Adolescence is a time of discovery, independence, and intense emotions. First relationships can bring joy, belonging, and learning. But not all relationships are healthy. A toxic relationship can involve control, humiliation, manipulation, excessive jealousy, sexual pressure, isolation, and even emotional or physical violence.

For parents and caregivers, the most important thing is to understand that this is not solved with lectures or immediate bans. A teenager needs safety, listening, and guidance to recognise what they are going through and ask for help without fear of being judged.

What is a toxic relationship?

A toxic relationship is one in which one person, or both, makes the other feel constantly unsafe, diminished, controlled, or afraid. In a healthy relationship, there is respect, trust, freedom, and room for each person to be themselves.

In adolescence, it can be hard to tell the difference between intense attraction and abusive behaviour. A young person may read jealousy as proof of love, persistence as affection, or control as interest. That is why it is essential to talk about boundaries and respect before situations become more serious.

Warning signs to look out for

Not all signs appear at once. Sometimes they start subtly and get worse over time. Here are some common warning signs:

  • The boyfriend or girlfriend always wants to know where the other person is.
  • They demand instant replies to messages and get angry if there is no quick response.
  • They try to control clothing, friendships, outings, or posts on social media.
  • They criticise, mock, humiliate, or expose private secrets in public or online.
  • They alternate between intense affection and threats, guilt-tripping, or punishing silence.
  • They pressure the other person to share intimate photos, passwords, or access to their phone.
  • They make the other person feel guilty for wanting time alone, time to study, or time with friends and family.
  • They show excessive jealousy and interpret any normal contact as betrayal.
  • They push, grab hard, threaten, or physically assault.
  • The teenager begins to change noticeably, becoming anxious, sad, or afraid of upsetting their partner.

An important sign is a change in behaviour. If your son or daughter, who was previously more confident, suddenly becomes more withdrawn, irritable, insecure, or overly dependent on their phone, it is worth paying close attention.

How it can show up in everyday life

The problem is not always obvious. Many young people do not say directly that they are in a toxic relationship because they are embarrassed, afraid of losing their partner, or worried they will not be taken seriously.

You may notice, for example, that the teenager:

  • stops taking part in activities they used to enjoy;
  • withdraws from family and friends;
  • becomes obsessed with their phone and the other person’s online presence;
  • has a drop in school performance;
  • becomes more anxious, sad, or has changes in sleep;
  • always excuses their partner’s behaviour, even when it is clearly offensive.

The opposite can also happen: the young person may be the one who is controlling, aggressive, or very possessive. That also needs to be taken seriously, because learning healthy relationship patterns starts early.

Why do teenagers stay in toxic relationships?

There are several reasons. Adolescence is a period when identity and self-esteem are still developing. Many young people are afraid of being alone, rejected, or seen as weak. Others confuse intensity with love, or believe that helping the other person “change” is part of dating.

Social media can make the problem worse. Constant visibility, comparison, and pressure to always be available make control easier and emotional distance harder. When intimate images have been shared, fear of exposure can keep the young person stuck in the relationship.

How to talk without pushing the teenager away

If you suspect your child is in a toxic relationship, the way you speak to them makes all the difference. The goal is not to force a confession or make them end the relationship immediately. The goal is to open a door so they can trust you.

Helpful approaches include:

  • Choose a calm, private moment.
  • Speak calmly, without sarcasm or accusations.
  • Start with concrete observations: “I’ve noticed you seem more down and more isolated.”
  • Ask open questions: “How do you feel in this relationship?”
  • Validate their feelings, even if you do not agree with their choices.
  • Make it clear that it is not their fault if they are being treated badly.
  • Avoid phrases like “I told you so” or “That’s just what couples go through.”

Sometimes the teenager will not speak in the first conversation. That is normal. The key is to make it possible to return to the topic later, without pressure. Trust is built through repetition and consistency.

What to say and what to avoid

You can say things like:

  • “I’m here to listen without judging you.”
  • “No one has the right to control or humiliate you.”
  • “What you’re feeling makes sense.”
  • “You do not have to deal with this alone.”
  • “I can help you think about what to do next.”

Avoid:

  • mocking the relationship;
  • banning everything immediately without talking first;
  • blaming the teenager for staying in the relationship;
  • comparing it to your own experience in a way that minimises the problem;
  • confronting the partner directly without a plan, if that could increase the risk.

How to help in practical ways

After listening, it is important to support the teenager with concrete actions. Some ideas:

  • Help the young person identify abusive behaviours with specific examples.
  • Agree on a safety plan if there is fear of retaliation.
  • Keep evidence of offensive or threatening messages, if they exist.
  • Strengthen connections with friends, family, and trusted adults.
  • Encourage healthy routines for sleep, study, physical activity, and offline time.
  • Suggest psychological support if there are signs of ongoing distress.

If the teenager agrees to end the relationship, help them prepare for that moment safely. In some cases, it is better to do it with another person’s support, in a public place, or with adult supervision, depending on the risk. If there is threat, stalking, or violence, safety always comes first.

The role of social media and the phone

Many controlling behaviours start online: constant location requests, demands for passwords, pressure to send photos, monitoring likes and comments, or blackmail using intimate images. This is not normal or acceptable.

It is worth talking early about privacy, consent, and digital footprints. Explain that sharing a password is not a sign of healthy trust and that no one should be pressured to hand over their phone to prove love. If intimate images have been shared, the teenager should know that they can seek help quickly and do not have to carry the blame alone.

When to seek professional help or support services

Seek professional support if the teenager is very anxious, depressed, isolated, in intense distress, or if there are signs of violence, threats, sexual coercion, or stalking. It is also worth asking for help when the situation keeps repeating and the family no longer knows what to do.

In Portugal, if there is immediate danger, call 112. For support in cases of domestic or relationship violence, the victim can contact the national helpline 800 202 148, which is free and confidential. The Commission for Citizenship and Gender Equality (CIG) also provides useful information. In school settings, the class director, school psychologist, or support services can be an important starting point.

If the teenager is underage and there is serious risk, the school, health services, and in some cases the CPCJ may have an important role. The key is not to wait and hope the situation “passes on its own” when there are signs of abuse.

How to prevent toxic relationships

Prevention starts before the first relationship. Talking at home about respect, consent, intimacy, boundaries, and equality helps young people recognise what is normal and what is not. It also helps when adults model healthy relationships in everyday life.

Some points to work on with teenagers:

  • nobody controls anybody in a healthy relationship;
  • love does not justify humiliation;
  • jealousy is not proof of affection;
  • every person has the right to friends, privacy, and personal time;
  • consent is essential in any physical or sexual contact;
  • asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

If your child is the one being aggressive

It is also hard for parents to realise that their own child may be controlling or violent. In that case, it is important not to minimise it. Aggressive behaviour needs clear boundaries, responsibility, and often psychological support.

Explain that jealousy, insults, manipulation, or pressure are not acceptable. Show that caring for someone also means respecting the other person’s freedom and dignity. Acting early can help prevent the pattern from repeating in the future.

Conclusion

A toxic relationship in the teenage years can leave deep marks on self-esteem, confidence, and the way a young person sees love. But with attention, dialogue, and the right support, it is possible to break the cycle and help the teenager build safer, more respectful relationships.

Be patient, stay available, and take the signs seriously. Often, the young person does not need immediate solutions. First and foremost, they need to feel that they are not alone.